My Story, My Secret Davina Hovanec

Life has been a struggle from the beginning Death at every turn Choking on cereal and from hives caused by allergies Suicide multiple times crying out for help, death and relief Dressing up, playing with makeup as a child; hiding, keeping secrets and making wishes Movies and shows that talk about cross-dressers and gay people; is this who and what I am? Naw Denied my career choice, not wanting anything else in life; severe depression Doing anything just to keep people off my back and using computers to escape reality Dressing and playing with girl things, aching to just wake up as myself Running away to Manhattan but returning home after a day; I thought about being a bum Denying my true self, I try to live a life for others and forget my problems Moving to Florida with a parent when they retire; a larger city, more chances for anything Dress up, purge, dress up, purge, dress up, purge, suicide; failure, go home and try to start things again Begin working at a university doing the only thing I know, computers Someone asks if I feel I should have been a girl, I am floored but respond with a soft yes Living with my parent is becoming difficult; I need my own space ASAP While searching for a place to live near a friend I find my condo; quickly I make the buy and move in During the first week I see myself reflected back; I tell myself I know who I am, what I am and I love myself Moving forward I seek help but where can I go; only group in town, the cross-dressers I tell them I am a transsexual and they welcome me, do not say anything to the wives about it though I start to meet others like myself and they start a new group I find someone and we connect; we become intimate but things move too fast Losing connection with the group, work hours change, I am lost Start to wear gender neutral clothing, jeans, panties and a purse; start tucking 24-7 I feel like I am moving forward for a while but not enough; need to fix my defective body or else Get desperate and buy acrylic nails, people at work freak out; sent home to take them off Come out at work, almost lose job; relief from my secret I begin to tell others, family and friends Research additional information, seek doctors to start hormones, find a counselor and follow the standards Work is uncomfortable and people treat me differently; I become isolated and alone Time goes by but eventually I reconnect with the community again; FORGE, hair removal, physical transition Join discussion groups, talk with other people and find information online for transitioning Begin hair removal, set goals and dates, find doctors and start hormones, accomplish goals; happiness Emotions swell and overlap, breasts begin to hurt, skin softens; I am warm and fuzzy Set date for gender reassignment surgery, get home equity loan, buy plane tickets and start travel arrangements Destination Trinidad, Colorado and Dr. Marci Bowers; best time of my life, GRS goes very well That night after surgery I began to dream as my true self, no longer connected with the old self image Return home; elated Dilate morning, noon and night; womanhood and the chores for a postop-transwoman are forever I have accomplished my goals and I surprise myself, I have done it; I am complete, my future awaits Now I just need to find a husband; this will be a challenge Hair, how important it is for a woman but I am lacking it; will need to take care of it Obtain small loan, pay for hair transplant surgery and have the procedure Feeling like I made a hair mistake, I break down, crying and wondering why I did it I move on and search for relief from other physical problems I suffer from; breathing, nasal polyps ENT, surgery, removal of enlarged lymph node and nasal polyps; hurrah Follow up visit with ENT before my birthday and two year anniversary of HRT; biopsy returns, malignant Hodgkins Lymphoma, me? How, why… this can not be Cancer My world crumbles, severe depression, oncologist, blood work, CT-scan and more tests I have Hodgkins Lymphoma, I am dieing from cancer My dreams of living in New Mexico are put on hold, my book delayed, everything is set on pause My life has become ASAP, get things done and prepare for the worst Cancer staged as Hodgkins Lymphoma 2A, given ninety percent chance success rate; whatever that means Talk with everyone about my diagnosis, recover from severe depression; this is my third trip to hell and back Twelve sessions of chemo and a month of radiation therapy; half a year will be gone Started chemo, 2 sessions down and many more to come Five years of monitoring before I can be declared cured, I will move to New Mexico by then I hope Continue my life, help others and enjoy myself Friends, strangers and family are hoping for the best; this vegetarian woman will make it This is my life, my story, my secret Love, Davina